What The Fuck Have I Done?
I’ve made a massive boo-boo. I was doing some ‘research’ for internet dating stuff, and I started talking to this guy a few weeks back. Planning on using his cheesy lines and corny jokes as inspiration for my writing, I can’t work out at what point he switched from research to a ‘thing’, but he has. He’s a thing. I don’t know what thing, but a thing.
God, I sound nuts.
We’ve been talking for a while – 15th July was his first message to me:
“Okay so your profile is my new fave! Even better than mine and mines awesome! X”
He’s mid-thirties, fixes fridges or something ridiculous for a living, is 6 inches taller than me, doesn’t smoke, is a vegetarian, doesn’t have kids, has a weird (but hilarious) sense of humour, wants kids and marriage, loves to travel, and has even worse taste in music than I do…. which is saying something.
He hates it when people call themselves “Full time mothers” on Facebook and internet dating sites, just as much as I do. He hates cucumbers just as much as I do. In fact, we have quite a few things in common. Our messages, although sporadic at first, have become more and more frequent, and two nights ago I did something even more stupid.
Yep, me with the boyfriend, gave my number to another man I met on an internet dating site under the pretence of using it as research. What a cunt. Sorry for the C-bomb but I literally have no idea why I did that, or how to get out of it now I’ve opened this ridiculous can of worms.
I’m trying to dissect the situation; to see why I’ve done what I did. Clearly things aren’t working between Someone New and I. It’s such a frustrating situation because he such a wonderful man. He’s a great friend, a great boyfriend, and one of the nicest people I know. But it’s just not enough for me. Something isn’t right. If I were going to have fallen in love with him, it would have happened by now. Seven months in, I wouldn’t still be wondering whether or not being with him is the right thing to do. I’ve been on the edge of what I think could be ‘falling in love’ for a little while now, yet there has been nothing to tip me over the edge. There’s been nothing to make me think – yes, I can see a real future with this man. Because I can’t. I can’t see myself marrying him, or having his children. I can’t see us living together, or even us being together in six months or a years time. I can only see the here and now. And right now, I don’t know where that leaves us.
But why did I give this new guy my number? I didn’t really know what he looked like up until we exchanged digits, apart from he was kinda blonde, and had nice blue eyes. I didn’t think he was particularly attractive – there was nothing really special about him. He made me laugh and I felt I could be myself when I was talking to him. I was funny and sarcastic and all the good kind things, and he was too, at points leaving me giggling like an idiot. And now we’ve swapped numbers, it’s gotten worse! The attraction is getting stronger, for me at least, despite how hopeless he makes himself sound.
He was a dick when he was younger, crashing cars, drink-driving, getting fired from jobs, and generally fucking up his life (from the sounds of it). He’s now a slightly more sensible man, giving up Facebook after it caused him to crash his car, and making better life decisions. That’s what he tells me anyway. Not that I should even be interested!
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
What is wrong with me??
My head is shredded right now. But it gets a lot worse. Wait until you see this new level of crazy…
He sent me a funny selfie of himself on the toilet. Jokey picture, obviously, no dangly bits involved, face scrunched up. He’s got a ‘Jock’ look about him. Then he sent me a picture of himself, a right-now selfie, sat on his bed. Fuck. He does look like Jock. Same goofy, blank expression, same bushy eyebrows, same stubble, same face shape…
He has the same sense of humour too – dry wit that I don’t always understand but for the majority of the time, has me pissing my pants with laughter. He looks like a lot of fun. He looks like someone I would enjoy getting to know.
But should I? What’s the right thing to do here? Either way, I know I need to make my mind up about Someone New and to be honest, I think I’ve already made my decision, haven’t I? Even before this new guy came along, I repeatedly had doubts over whether or not we would last. It’s just not enough. I don’t know what’s missing, or how to make it better, but something isn’t there, something hasn’t quite clicked into place. He’s the most wonderful man, and a brilliant lover, but it’s not enough. He’s not the guy for me. I tried him on. I gave it a shot. I’m bored. No, I’m not bored. I’m disinterested. That’s even worse, isn’t it?
It feels like I’m in limbo – I’m waiting to get over the ex I can’t get over. The ex I don’t seem to want to let go. The ex I can’t let go…
Maybe I should talk to him? Get some closure? Do I want closure? Do I need closure? Would it even help? How do I get out of this loop? How do I get over him?
